Positively Reinforced

To suffocate someone with affection. I may in fact stunt your growth and not because I love you. I do love your growth the simple idea of it. What I want it to look like in the world I created. I think you could possibly belong in this world I created for you. I love the way your power looks in my world but only my world. I love the idea of you fully flourished in what I have created. I want to be forever a better person and if I keep saying that over and over again maybe it will happen? A better version of me roots deep, so deep they shift an entire nation.

I have given you all the access and permission to do whatever you want in this world which will never lack this indulgence of affection. This affection I create permits certain assurances. I like to think it does but not the ones I wanted.

We only have one life to live why not consider letting go of some unnecessary baggage. I understand I must let go at some point because holding on has become too painful. Holding on as served to only destroy to even kill anything that has life inside of it. Including me.

I could recognize the signs it was the right thing to do. To let go instead of my natural inclination to clench to fight, brutally, when all I needed was to be set free. To step in the light, I was free.

I never needed to be taught how to fight! or how to hang on in strength and power. I once thought this was an appropriate expression outwardly of affection. I had my virtues mixed up because the harder I squeezed I no longer recognized the person in the mirror. I seemed to have dissipated the version of me I thought everyone could, see? Can't you see me? As I clutched for dear life.

At first everyone thought it was the high road, but nobody seemed to be honest enough to tell me that I was destroying myself.

It actually isn't fun it doesn't feel good. It isn't right. I could see the big red stop sign, but I wouldn't maybe even thought I couldn't let go.

Even if I could reason with the possibility that it was true. I could never bring myself to come along and tell you what you are doing is completely dishonest. The road to anywhere but the inevitable lingered like a cloud that would not fade. I could never come along side of it to say everything is going to be ok. I know it isn't that would make me dishonest. Which I refuse to be.

I guess the future is scary the unknown. I did not know that the future was such a fearful thing for some of us. I thought it was supposed to be the best thing that ever happened to a person. All the life you had left to live. To embrace a whole wide-open future of promise, not give it away for nothing. The time we have to live is concerning.

Understanding to fully embrace what is ahead of me I always needed to let go what was behind me. What was chasing me, what was making lose sleep at night.

I had to make a providence choice to come to some type of knowing that both these things cannot co-exist. I had to draw a line the hard choice with everything that I am. Silly, isn't it? It never would have been easy, but it would have been right. Worth it.

My decisions always matter in my life even the ones I refuse to make. Life will sometimes make them for us. Easy is not the point. Speedy is not the point. None of that matters but what we decide to do about it.

You cannot ask me to do "that" for you because I can't.

Jesus Christ Forevermore

A woman crossing edges.