Bitter Sweet Rejection

Bitter Sweet

I am reflecting on all the amazing ways of our beautiful Heavenly Father. How He just loves us all so much and our entire lives He is constantly pursuing us and showing us Himself through His great mercy, grace, and love. Sure, I cannot deny it all this can be painful when He reveals some not so amazing things about ourselves, but even in that, it is because He wants us to experience the depth of His love, in ways we cannot fathom to understand without the Holy Spirit guiding us. Sometimes I think we can forget how much of lesser beings we really are to our Almighty God! A mere breath? A grain of sand in this vast universe. The awesome part that He knows each and every one of us better than we know ourselves. I have gotten to the point in life where I am surrendered to my Father, He knows me better than me, here is my free will do what you like.

Unfortunately, most are misguided by our understanding of our Heavenly Father, I am not sure exactly why we have this unspoken expectation that the Father's blessings translate as easy? convenient? Maybe we have some misunderstanding of what real "giving" and "gift" means in the Kingdom of God. It is not commercialism. Our flesh man just cannot seem to comprehend. When the Kingdom of Heaven comes on earth, I assure we will feel some sort of discomfort before the blessing.

Maybe it is Abba's way of making sure we appreciate it. To make us have genuine gratitude to worship the creator and not the blessing. Joy is never full unless we have experienced sorrow. Every good thing has some dialectic that makes us grateful to the latter.

When I reflect on blessings my understanding has evolved much in this area and that I accredit to you Holy Spirit. The reason we get promises is that they are meat, our hope and light to help us get through the journey we must take. Knowing that our journeys and this world is full of much darkness. Also, knowing we are to be the light and salt in this darkness.

It is the only way for us to live whole lives of faith, hope, and love. I don't know about you, but I don't trust myself at all. My flesh yeah right! no thank you. I don't trust my own thinking, my own ways, not a chance. In all sincerity, I want to live a life that completes and celebrates the Father's will and is pleasing to Him. Give me Jesus I want the Holy Spirit leading me 24hrs a day, 7 days a week. Outside of that is nothing but death. Less than nothing.

Even though I have been broken in ways I cannot begin to explain, and I have endured much pain, I count it as nothing compared to the glory and life I have found in Christ Jesus. He has given me much rich bountiful irreplaceable beauty a testimony in which I will boldly share and proclaim to the world. Every part of it, I have no shame in any of it. I have been set free in the name of Jesus Christ. The Lord has given me a testimony. Wow! I am so thankful.

Sometimes most of us we have a misguided view of others our brethren, our family members, whoever we meet others at a particular moment of their lives. At these times at peaks of success, we have this tendency to envy them, or worse question the legitimacy of them. I know anyone who envies another is very carnal and has not fully experienced the Father's love. We have no idea the things people go through to see that one moment of what we consider to be envy-worthy.

How do we know what that person had to walk out? We have no clue? So people sacrifice crazy things to do the Father's will, and is essential but is not easy. I wish we would love each other in this way like Jesus Christ with knowledge and exhorting each other, my brothers and sisters. That we become a family who actually encouraged each other in spirit and truth.

Do not self reject yourself to covet after others and their spiritual gifts, blessings, or whatever. Living in this disposition is failing to understand one basic principle of the Kingdom, NOTHING ACTUALLY BELONGS TO ANY OF US!!! WE ARE HIS AND HIS ALONE. Our very breath is borrowed. We are simply stewards of what He wants. To envy is to self-reject one's self and sit on Gods throne.

We must choose, if we chose to love we chose correctly and well. We also must be careful what we ask for. We may envy some else's life but would be completely unable to walk it out. Why because we all are made with different measures of faith. Not that we compare or boast, but we are all just different parts of the beautiful body of Christ. His workmanship and masterpieces. There is no less or more in the Kingdom of God only love. God is love.

As the Holy Spirit keeps teaching and growing me, I am to conclude that God is not concerned about my comforts as He is in saving my soul. Making me pure and beautiful. The Holy Spirits concerns and our carnal minds are not even on the same level. Holy Spirit is way out of our flesh league seriously. We cannot fathom the things of God. We think so small naturally. The Holy Spirit wow! Knows no fear or limits.

Continue to teach me, Father, that when I am down and everyone is watching, that I continue to not care. That to go up I must go down. Never let me go Holy Spirit we are ONE forever. I am so thankful for love Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit that you do and will love me. That through your love and I am able to love me, to then later love all your beautiful children.

I have felt the weight of my own self-rejection before. This may sound ridiculous but I will share this example with you. I decided to bake this I organic strawberry cake. I know random. I was like yes I can do this. I saw a picture and I was like got this, put that apron on and was like do it to it girl. (I know sounds ridiculous right? A strawberry cake?) It was like a strawberry on top of strawberry everything. Ah ha! An explosion of strawberries!!

As I prepared the ingredients, I started to become frustrated. I was like wow this process is so much longer than I anticipated. As powdered sugar and flour was everywhere besides the mixing bowl. I looked at the disaster I made and started to calculate how long it was going to take me to clean up. I felt the weight of my own self-criticism and perfectionism, start to creep in.

As the timer went off and I pulled out this delicious strawberry smelling cake. I examined my imperfect cake, looking at the picture and looking at mine unsatisfied. I could feel my own ridiculous self-judgment on it. I was comparing myself to some sort of Martha Stewart!!!

It was not perfect like the picture or how I had imagined, although it was delicious. So I went through this whole cycle in my mind of just complete character assignation the terrible words and thoughts towards myself. Just crazy silliness. It was so gross the things I was thinking over a strawberry cake! Woah manifesto rebuked that in the name of Jesus.

The beauty of spending time by yourself is you can really hear your own inner voice. The truth about what you think about you. This also is the only way Jesus can come and really heal. The truth is if I am busy distracting myself getting lost in this world, the same things are going on in my mind and heart, I just can't hear it clearly. Self-denial.

I felt to destroy the cake immediately instead of fixing it. It would have been easier to destroy it than to fix it. It tasted delicious by the way. All-natural every part of it. But after my self-rejection fit, I decided to fix it.

The end results were more than fine. Perfectionism is the worst of torments. Self-rejection sucks booo. However, I am glad that the Holy Spirit used my cake to highlight something very important.

The cake did me no wrong. I actually handled it incorrectly. I tried to rush the process while it was cooling. I tried to take a short cut. When comes to baking desserts there are no shortcuts! I do not like baking. Now cooking give me some meat, veggies, spices, I'll whip something up. I like cooking it is more of an art, but baking is more of a science. I am a little bit of this a little bit that creates something out of nothing type of woman. Whip up some bread I am good.

Get into desserts I get strangely aggravated. I am no Martha Stewart. No patience for muffins here! My advice is to find a good European baker problem solved. In reality who cares!! Where did I get this idea in my head that as a woman I must be a "good baker" anyway? What? Maybe I can't make a great cake, but I can grill a mean steak so boom! Some dumb voice in my head whispering that to me? our society? What a mess!

The moral of my story is this, that because I am born a woman and maybe seen other woman who make great cakes, btw congratulations, but that is not me. I do not have to be good at making strawberry cakes? Maybe I am better at harvesting wheat? or casting our demons, putting you in armbar.

I don't know but maybe the next time you try to venture out to do something out of your norm test yourself. Listen to yourself what do you say about you? Does what you say about yourself line up with what Jesus says about you? If, not then do not settle do not live another day critiquing your strawberry cakes with daggers and surrender into His love.

Remember folks things and skills do not define us. If it was on me, there would be no hope for any of us. My identity is in Jesus Christ NOT BAKED GOODS. I am sure not in strawberry cake.

A woman forever learning to always trust God going deep into all wounds and a culture built on self-rejection.

Heavenly Father in the name of Jesus,

I pray you to keep teaching me how to lean on your divine wisdom and understanding. I thank you for all the amazing unconventional ways you teach me things about you and me. I pray Father that you do that for each and every one of my brethren who may stumble across this. Not everything in the Kingdom is always a straight line in how you chose to teach us Holy Spirit. I bless you that your ways are higher than mine Father. I pray that you keep removing every thought and idea I have about me that is not from you. I pray that each of my brothers and sisters in Christ will always be willing to engage in this lifelong dance with you of being transformed into your image Jesus. I pray that you give us grace Father to laugh at ourselves sometimes, you know life is not always so serious. Thank you, Jesus, that you never destroy cakes when they look imperfect to our eyes. Thank you for mercy. Thank you for making a masterpiece out of me. I pray I always am a student of you Holy Spirit. I can never exhaust knowing you Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit. Thank you for seeing that I AM POSSIBLE, and being forever faithful to me. I thank you for lavishing your beautiful love all over me. Bless all those who read this. That healing and revelation come.

I pray all these things in the name of the most faithful friend My King

Jesus Christ

May your glory shine through every area of our lives. Let nothing be untouched by you.

Amen & Amen

~A woman who bakes delicious ugly cakes, oh well testify. To the trash!

Written March 2018 Ouch this one did go deeper