Closed In Prepare the Way

Prepare the way

To be quite honest nothing shocks me more than my own inability to not take my own advice. I suffer in this tragic way. I can be so "self-wise", which is garbage. It is always easier when I am in the advisory role, turns out this is called pride. Now I know I am not the only one who has this natural sinful proclivity.

Yikes, seriously though when I catch myself doing this, I am so disgusted.

As the Holy Spirit is growing me like a bean, I starting to understand that Abba gave me wisdom to faithfully apply to ME first, not others. I am my own test dummy of sorts. lol

Now that I have noted my frankly rude behaviour and I have started to take notes. Please pray for me, Lord Help ME from my own disgrace.

I decided instead of distracting myself with everyone else problems and situations. I am going to be still and really sit in on what the Lord is speaking to me in this now.

With all the grace, love, and mercy God has shown me my whole life, my head is HARD. My heart is HARDER. When I read the Word I realize I am not much different than the Israelites in their stupidity, just in different clothes and locations. I will be the first to admit it.

I have to watch my mouth! The older I get the less I speak and the more I write. Got to watch my dangerous tongue how I speak about myself and others. I can catch the nasty habit of complaining, and not even in words, I do not even need words. I believe complaining is also expressed in silent attitudes and behaviours. Usually when I think I am not communicating I am communicating and complain without saying one word with my mouth. It is a disposition.

Lately, I have to experience the beginning of being deeply closed in by the Holy Spirit. I mean in every single area of my life.

I can see and feel every single door around me being shut. SHUT DOWN! SHUT CLOSED! NOPE...NOPE...STILL, NO...I'm being lovingly held still, set apart. All the things that do not belong in my Abba's perfect will are being purged out. Divine Order. Divine Kingdom purpose. Divine Love and more Love.

Those purge worthy pieces inside of me and all the external circumstances that do not fit me anymore or never did. This hurts. Deeply. Ouch! I am running around trying to walk the plank.

I need to stop lying to myself. I and you all know the truth written deep inside us. It is in our hearts. We know when something or a particular circumstance doesn't fit us. We all are too afraid of change. It scares me too even when I know it is good for me. Creatures of habit I suppose.

The fear of what moving out on truth and the unknown will create in our lives. Lives that do not even belong to us. A life that was bought by the precious blood of Jesus. What do I know?

I have been sort of like a water balloon in an oily hand for most of my life. Until the Holy Spirit really got hold of me, and thank the Lord Jesus for His mercy.

A couple of weeks ago I ran to my secret place and was talking with Abba, pulsing through my mind was all these creative pursuits I conjured up. I was quite pleased with myself, I will admit. I had all these self made plans. Suddenly He said to me stop striving!

Nothing was what He wanted, I did not even ask Him? How rude! It was all my own stupid worldly ideas of who I was, which has absolutely nothing to do with what I was created for.

Ugh who me? I thought because these things seemed full of good intentions they must be good? right? But my Heavenly Father has a plan. The only plan. What is good doesn't mean is right. Father's will trumps always.

The Lord really exposed to me all my fruitless efforts to desperately grab at things of this world instead of dealing with myself. My sin is being exposed inside my heart and my first thought is, it would be cool to climb Everest right now? Or go on some dumb empty carnal pursuit maybe go lay on a beach and stuff my face to island music. For what? That doesn't fill my heart.

Like a criminal busted. The Holy Spirit touched my sin, conviction set in I think I am my own God!! How evil. I was so convicted I realized my life efforts most of them have been Ann's expos. Senseless striving, the culprit behind these plans of mine had nothing to do with the Kingdom of God.

He let me derail myself and was waiting for me faithfully. Sometimes God gives you what you ask for, and it hurts. We forget of His sovereignty God knows us better than we do.

What I discovered is under my striving is much scarier. It goes deep. Self-rejection, perfectionism, rejection. The worst self-idolatry.

By the grace my heavenly Father and the power of the Holy Spirit, I am learning to wait on Him in a much deeper way. This is beautiful, and it hurts. Our sin is the only thing that separates us from wanting to be still with Abba. We avoid the Holy Spirit, and our hearts get hard.

This is the first time I experienced the depth of being this closed in. Shut down. The Lord does not want to share me, He is the lover of my soul and the author and finisher of my life.

This season of my life hurts. This passage. I know that Jesus loves me enough to chase me down and remove anything that attempts to separate me from His love.

It is crazy, I mean every door "I" try to open Abba just says NO. Be with Me my child.

Sometimes silence is simply our Father saying no. I cannot manipulate the Lord, with well put together sentences to get my way. I can word whatever I request so many different ways, it doesn't change anything. I have to trust. Hearing the big NO is hard. Especially when it is from the Lord, it sounds like a big rock hitting your heart. When the Lord says no that's it. He has plans for me. Plans that have nothing to do with my ego, my family, upbringing, culture, location.

Why is it I have this dirty habit of wanting Jesus to agree with me? Instead of me coming into agreement with Him? I expect Him to do things my way? It is disgusting when I reflect. Give me! approve of me! I want! What about Him? I need and I am thankful for repentance.

Or I try to use my faith in the wrong ways. You can be a Jesus loving spiritual dummy. This is possible trust me. We are to use our faith for revealed promises, not our fantasies? When our fantasies don't come true then we blame Jesus. When I look back I realize Abba never promised me that, so why was I trying to put it on Him? It is me.

To all my perfect ambitious strivers who think rest is for weak stupid people, this is for you. I struggled with this for years, I still do in degrees it is a stronghold that the Lord Jesus only can and is working out of me. That weight I put on myself gets cast into the sea, and I can breathe again. I thank you, Jesus, for the miracle of deliverance and inner healing.

Underneath all that perfectionism is pain and torment really. Rejection and self-rejection are ugly and they hurt. Wounded soul and hearts. The love of Jesus transcends through all my filth and through Him I feel beautifully broken and whole all at the same time. I know in Jesus I will not be broken forever, and He will never look away when I call.

I was extremely tormented with perfectionism most of life. Perfectionism was manifesting in every area of my life, out of control. The not so funny thing is I thought I was doing well for myself too. I thought I was good according to my own standards.

I barely slept and did it all. I was up at 4 am crushing it (or so I thought). I thought I was a force to be reckoned with. I could do it all I was a machine? Look at me the big golden calf of my life dummy.

The love of Jesus is changing my heart and shifting me from perfectionism to godly excellence. I am so thankful that even though it hurts, the Holy Spirit allows us to deal with our sins. Even the ones that are in our faces and we do not see we are blind to. Kicking that one around was so heavy. Now no awkward silence between me and Jesus.

Striving is very selfish and self-centered. Gods plans are spot on precise and part of a much larger divine picture, one that is full of love for others. The excellence of God is unmistakable in all things His hand is upon.

So why did I not realize this sooner? My heart was hard with the world's ideas defiled by them I wanted to do my own things my own way. God was trying to lead me to repentance and was saying Ann Stop! Get your but back in your prayer closet and do business with ME.

Weeping over this.

Nothing I can imagine in my own carnal mind can even come close to the will of my Heavenly Father. He has a divine larger plan for this whole world and works it together wonderfully.

I am sharing this that we may realize it is a sin. In our world today a really dangerous one considering the number of distractions we have. If this is you, take it to Jesus and confess it and repent. Let His love melt all the pressure and fear away. Be vulnerable and just fall into Jesus our first love.

Don't carry this weight around any longer that is crushing every area of your life. Aren't you tired? I was. Actually, I am right now too as I write this. Together let's give up the self-inflicted harm and trade it in for peace and joy. It really is so much better. I think I want a peanut butter sandwich and a nap now.

I was trying to sit on Gods Throne in my own twisted way? OM that is scary. I can think of a certain angel named Lucifer with a similar story who also thought he should sit on Gods throne. How did that work out for him?

Thank you Holy Spirit for conviction. No, we don't have to be ashamed of repentance or embarrassed. We all are crazy in some way, some shade of it. Let us never miss the opportunities we are granted to repent.

Time is short.

God doesn’t want me to keep myself busy with a bunch of meaningless activities. If I am to be busy He wants me to be doing things for His vision and the Kingdom. He wants to manifest in all the areas of my life He chooses. To use me for His glory for the Kingdom. Jesus really wants and values my time. Time. He loves us so much he doesn’t want us running around like a bunch of chicken heads. We are made for more than occupying ourselves with instant gratification activities, that only provide short-term benefits and zero of His vision.

The world is like spending a bunch of money at a bad restaurant only to realize you could have made it better at home. Later to only leave unsatisfied and stopping at pizza joint afterwards, shortchanged of what you expected from your fancy dinner.

If we stop and pause these things we chase do not even bring us closer to Jesus or anything. These dumb things do not even make us happy usually when we actually pause and think about it.

This is heavy in my spirit today. What is time if I waste it on all the wrong things? I can literally be busy doing nothing. Nothing of real value. Nothing that was Holy Spirit breathed and for what? What is the point of anything that doesn't glorify God? Its all fake outside of that.

Is being closed in torment yes and no because we are our own torments.

This lyric in one of my favorite worship songs comes to mind “leaning is my portion, not my pain”. Why does it feel painful when we fully have to lean on our loving Father? How twisted is that? I wail and whine about having to lean in, and submit my own will. I am challenging my mindsets and heart issues. Where did they even come from? Unfortunately, we have no clue why we are the way we are most of the time. I am so thankful that we have the Holy Spirit to help us understand ourselves. Praise the Lord!

Leaning is not painful. How blessed are we to be able to lean? Not everyone has this life we know with Jesus. This gift of salvation.

It should be my pleasure to cast my cares on the Lord because He truly cares and is the only one who can move in them, change them, work them together for good.

Nothing says I love you more than where I put my time. What is Jesus trying to tell me through the hedge of closed doors? I am not fully sure yet. What I am sure of it is to deepen His connection and relationship with me. It is for my good. As this unravels I am taking the lean towards He will open the right door when it is ready to be open. I clearly needed this readjustment in my life.

My path may be narrow but I trust when the window or door opens, it will be that glorious. I will not walk through that door the same person.

I feel like a lost sheep rounded up in a small pen by my shepherd. I confess I push on the gates in anxiety some days. In that wrestle, the Lord whispers to let me trim that wild hair be still my child!

Wrestling with my Shepherd all the while He is just trying to take care of me.

Abba Father,

Thank you for loving me in ways I do not even understand. Help me to not be afraid of the clippers in the sheep pen. It's not like I have never seen them before. It actually is getting hot too. In the name of Jesus, I pray for your peace and understanding of all things life. What are you up to? Convict me of sin so I may always live a life of repentance. Don't ever let me fall out of repentance. I pray that you would give me courage and strength where I am weak. Let me sing in my heart you're never going to let me down or forsake me because that is who you are. You are not a man that you should lie. I pray for all of us who are perfectly closed in, even though we may think it’s a terrible mistake and we are supposed to be somewhere else. Let us accept your correction. I pray for all my strivers that we would quit the gig and trade it in for peace. Let us give into your will and timing. Let us rest in your divine wisdom and design for our lives. Let us walk by faith and not by sight in all things. I pray for a double portion of your precious Holy Spirit to be with us all who read this in these uncertain times. I love you Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit. I am thankful to be called your child, it is the only thing of real value in life. I love you thank you for lifting us up and save us from the enemy which often is in ourselves. Renew our minds and hearts to be aligned with yours. I pray you would give us your sweet sleep tonight Jesus. Help us to prepare for Your vision. I am baffled. Help us to turn to you instead of our powerless stupid vices. Nothing in this world compares to you my Lord. I thank you and love you.

I pray all these things in the name of The Most Holy High KING of KINGS

Jesus Christ

Every knee will bow and confess Jesus is Lord

Not my will but your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven

Amen & Amen.

Written April 18, 2018