My Delight Is You

My Delight Is You

If You want to talk lets talk, if You want to go deep let us go together. In the end after I finish I know Your delight will still be me.

When I tell You about my pains I know this is not a new thing to You. You are patient and loving, You are here quiet and allowing me to speak my own language. As I begin to attempt to explain the war that is waging deep inside my soul, all the UNANSWERED questions of all the things I will never understand. I am not even angry, what I am doing though is believing and living a wrong dialog.

I want to say and it would be very easy to say that I am angry at all the people I believe to be responsible for all the pains in my life, but I am not. I actually couldn't care less about that because I know that path is meaningless, it is powerless. What lingers is what I do not understand about myself. I am sitting in this swing of all of the volumes and chapters of hurt a human life can endure only by Your grace.

These moments when I get to think about all the things I do not even recognize anymore. I am seeking to understand these moments the meaning and my forever transforming self at the same time. I rejoice in the parts of myself I no longer recognize it is confirmation of Your great work and healing in my life.

I have healed.

Still are these unsettled seas that swell up and I feel like I cannot breathe when they do, my breath gets short and tears just start pouring out of my eyes. I can feel the pain right to the bottom of the sea it goes through my soul. It is like some sort of empty space like a canyon that needs to be filled with You.

A barren soil awaiting its seed……

You’re still here.... I know it waiting in silence. I can actually feel Your ears and eyes on me. We are sharing tears and I know You love each and every one of my tears.

I fight so passionately and hard and no one knows that more than You. I know that You know that I am that girl who would pull the bullet out and do a hack stick job and continue on. I never knew that pain could be this frustrating or it could be this annoying! Sort of reminds me of starring in the refrigerator pondering what to eat.

I cannot rush healing as much as I want to, it cannot be done. This is why You are the great physician and not me. The blessed beloved language of the tears of His children. I have no need to be ashamed of what You call beautiful. Whats up with this lie anyway? I am not ashamed of tears, fears, or anything. Why should I be? I am a child of God? I am a warrior and I do not need a single person to tell me that, and all warriors fight tears, fears, and years.

All warriors constantly need to be healed and if we don’t we must not be doing very much fighting.

I am thankful for You my King Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit that through it all You are not afraid of any of my questions. You are not afraid of my pain, passion, heart, tears, and fears. You lean in closer and make me laugh in my puddle of tears.

If I cannot be honest what would be the point? Ugh?..... I feel as though I am getting Your exactly on that Holy Spirit.

I bless You Lord and may You transform every single tear I have every cried into a blessing to one of Your children who is in need of healing, suffering, crying, lost, and in need of a smile and good laugh.

My Sovereign King & Best Friend

Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit