The Plow That Diggeth

Turmoil, ferment occurs when the earth is scourged by force. The ground cries out to its maker Abba Father! Here I am the earth screams, but the plow crashes and continues to break through deeper and deeper. This has been the last couple weeks of my life, or season it has been a lot longer than I can remember. I am overwhelmed with this feeling like I am an alien to myself. An intruder to my own existence. Uncertain, anxious, challenged, pressed, pushed in on every corner, desperate, uneasy. This abruption of pain has sent me into this whirlwind this force of power that I cannot even adequately describe.

His divine plow has broken ground.

Silence. A still strange silence like death, painful. That deep wrath of coldness, being lost at sea after the ship has sunk. I find myself thinking deeply questioning this place this sphere, everything including myself. It feels like being out of my own body a look into a soul mirror, that mirror being the Holy Spirit. Where I am? I know I am alive, but where am I in Gods eyes? Who cares where I am on this earth. Where is this place with you Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit? Questions arise, all answers point to a man named Jesus Christ. Jesus, do you hear my pain? Are you here still my Lord? In this dark place of ruin.

This pain I have become awaken to, like the smell of morning distinct awareness. I never knew what deeply lingered under my skin, in my soul. This agony on the inside, that has worn out its stay. I did not know my pain could hold me hostage like this. I am screaming on the inside, but the scream is deaf on the outside. The scream on the inside trying to break through in the midst of this sea. I echo, a muffled trumpet, in no man's land.

I never really knew how detached I am to everything around me. Like I am not really here. I sincerely feel absolutely NOTHING in regards to where I am, or where I would comfortably consider home. Home has always been close to the one I love, and the only one I truly love is you Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit. I move with you that is my home.

This Earth and everything in it does nothing for me. Being here without you is just death, my heart longs for the courts of the Lord. The one that I love is you, Lord Jesus. Nothing else will satisfy.

I have drawn the conclusion my home must be infinite then, it is everywhere as you are Lord. My home crosses realms, boundaries, structures. Realms that cannot be understood with this natural mind of mine. I am not bound to a specific place or time. I really know it because Holy Spirit you have shown me.

I want to make my way back home now, am I almost there? My King, when may I look upon your face? I know not yet I have assignments I must complete not for me but for others. Others need you just as much as I do.

As whacked out as that may sound, it is the truth. I am not bound to anything but to you Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit. Help me drink my cup. This mind of mine tries to cast lies to hold me captive to this earths limits. I can no longer accept these limits, you must take me home Abba or take me deeper as I wait here for you.

Every day I am finding a little bit more of myself, and I am truly finding it in you. A little less of myself and more of you my maker the living God. I am not sure if I am living or dying, I think both simultaneously. To live is to die. I know those of you who have spiritual ears and eyes will understand. The moans of this true death.

I wrapped myself up in this perfectionism this dying place was I here? The cares of this life entangled me in a trap, a lie. It is all nothing without you Holy Spirit. Evidently, the weaker I am and become (which I truly am in my own understanding) the more awake I am when you lead me Holy Spirit. You are right here, you are inside of me! I am starting to understand that saying that in my weakness, you are made strong.

My heart is opening like the dawn of the morning, like the Lilly in the valley, like the Rose of Sharron. The darkest hour right before the most glorious of light.

Nothing is mine not even my heart beat my lungs nothing, nothing ever was, including my own life.

That is true life I have in Jesus Christ. I am yet a shadow of the Almighty. Your workmanship. Oh, Heaven come and have mercy on us all. Forgive us all, especially me, with the last bit of strength I have I bless you, Lord. What is this? I have many questions.

Abba for the life of me, I can’t remember? my mortality my flesh tries to consume all evidence of our heavenly conversations, the truth. Come take over Holy Spirit! I know we had tons of conversations Abba before time, before this moment.

How come I can’t remember? Take me back Father before my mother's womb when you held me tight and commissioned me to come here. What did we talk about again? please, my Father, my King remind me? I desperately need you. Take me back home to the start. Take me back to the heavenly kingdom in which I was made for. Where I and the angels dwelled in your throne room and sang songs of praise to you, danced, and feasted in your courts.

What is this commission, my Lord? What will you have me do now? What assignment shall I complete today? What is your vision your goal in these moments I have left? What shall I do for your glory Father? Abba hear my plea I cry out to you in great inner turmoil. I am yet dust. Oh mercy, my Lord. Your child. I feel the pain of your heart the burden of your beloved children. Your huge heart for this place.

I am angry Lord about many things at myself and all this earth stuff, human stuff. I do not know how to live here, anymore, our relationship must change. I must have more of you every moment of every day. I refuse to leave your presence any longer. I was never designed to.

I do not know how to be what you created me to be. The awesome part is that I do not need to know because you do. Give me the strength and courage, that when our moments arrive I will be standing in your shadow. I have no clue half the time if I am doing what I am supposed to? whether I am pursuing my agenda or yours? The lines are becoming more clear though.

It seems everything in my life must crash, and your plow keeps digging. You keep going deeper into the earth.

I love you, Lord Jesus and you genuinely know me and love me. You gave everything to me, why I may never fully understand but Jesus let me touch you once more, before that last hour. Your great love and mercy has changed my life. I do not understand the hows of what you do, but I must trust you. I wrong you daily, my transgressions are before you and against you alone. I hate the sin in me, this flesh. I wish it was not here, I wish I never knew what evil was. I wish I could constantly live in your peace and walk in your Holy Spirit.

I want to stay in this safe place of being overwhelmed by your love. I am held in love in the middle of a wrecked. I pray that fear always is far removed from me. Oh, how I wish I was not afraid. I wish I was not insecure. I wish I could follow through with something of divine providence, and explode into the very thing you created me for. As I say those words I can feel your Holy Spirit comfort telling me I am doing exactly what you want me to do in this moment, to be with you.

One day I will know me the way you do. The mysteries continue. Not in my own strength but by your Holy Spirit.

I am here back to the beginning. I lift this dim light and my arms up towards heaven, my Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit, I beg for mercy and move heaven on my behalf. If I must die so be it, but let my soul be safe in you. Move me to dance in turbulence again, give me my voice back, to glorify your Holy name. You have my Yes!! calling home. Show me. Teach me. Love me always. Which I know you will and always have. May your mercy fall on me upon and body of death give me rest. I wait for your arm.

Father,

I thank you for all the ways you have my back. Even when I do not and cannot understand. How you are so faithful even when I am a mess. Thank you for your patience and gentleness. Thank you for how you handle my heart, soul, spirit, mind. Thank you for the Sun. Thank you for the moon. Thank you for your breath and the sound of the wind and the birds. Lord Thank you for sunset and sunrise. I miss seeing you at dawn. My king. I exalt you high above everything. Lover of my soul. My maker. I pray that you would continue to guide me and your scattered sheep, your children. I pray that all those who are lost like I am? sound the horn for us to come home. I pray we see you with more clarity. I pray Holy Spirit that you would manifest in the ways our heart's desire and needs. Thank you for the silent language of our hearts. Let us commune together more deeply. What a broken home us mortals have made of this earth. Forgive us. Jesus, you forever teach me, love. You alone forever teach me wisdom, courage, faith, strength, perseverance, and great transcending love. I don’t know how this all happened and when it did. All I know that the hunger in my life is for you, you are all there is. It has always been you. Fill me Holy Spirit dwell within every inch of me, light up this darkness. The hour is dark and I cannot see, Holy Spirit open my spiritual eyes through this blacken night season. Be close to me always, instruct me, hold me. Even though my feet tremble, your voice I hold to. For those who don’t know you, I pray for their souls and deep deep revelation of your Holy Spirit in their lives and hearts. Drench us in your presence and fragrance. This is a dry place. My heart is your fire and I truly want to burn for your name Jesus.

Not my will but your will be done. On earth, as it is in heaven.

I thank you and love you for your love and mercy endures forever. I pray for more of you. In your Holy name Jesus Arise in me

Amen & Amen

~A woman wanting to sit above the earth with you.

(God answers prayer in surprising ways he is listening always)

reflective piece