This Life This Blood This Sin

Jesus Christ lover of my soul. I cannot continue to express the gratitude I have that you have and will love me the way that you do. You truly KNOW me every ache from ancient to present. You have known me before the foundation of this world Heavenly Father. You have made me, and here I feel both my feeble flesh and its sin. I also feel the power of Your Spirit that lives within me, that is fearless, divine, unexplainable in human language.

You are teaching me great and amazing things. Things I could not even fathom or dream up myself. You have given me a reason to live and to die. You have given me a reason to face failure and to understand nothing in this live is about whether we succeed and fail. You are teaching me Holy Spirit my need to succeed has nothing to do with anything. That closer I get to you the more I realize my insignificance in this whole dance. That the point is that in this wild race and fight, that even if I do fail terribly, that it is all worth it, and in good faith.

That I have found something worth failing at that when you truly believe in something it is not about the results or what I perceive to be the ending. My hearts true desire is that I make it home to you, back into your loving arms. That when I arrive I do not arrive alone, I arrive with every single one you have given me. That heaven will rejoice at our coming, as we are lite up with true exceedingly abundant joy, and when we are greeting it is with a certainty of unspeakable joy. We hear these words "Well Done, My good and faithful servants". Then we all run into your arms for the biggest longest hug of eternity.

The truth is no matter how close we think we are to you, the truth is we are all wretched sinners with no hope for anything aside from you Jesus. There is no life aside from you. Even hell knows this, that is why evil exists. That I feel the weight of my sin nature every single day, and I am no better than anyone. The only difference between me and my fellow man is that I know the truth. The truth setting me free and transforming me into the likeness of Jesus. Every thing you do and everything you are is Pure lovely. Without your precious blood we all would be so helpless. I love you more and more everyday, and the hardest thing for me is me. I truly ache when I am not saturated in your presence.

On this journey of this work you are doing through these bones, I have no idea who I used to be. At the same time the layers of pain we have had to sit through have been gruelling exhausting and sometimes seemingly never ending. When you bring me through like you always do, I remember saying wow I feel so much peace is something wrong? I want to say thank you for this life, your blood Jesus, and this love that I have truly known to be powerful enough to change the entire world. Nothing is impossible for you Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit.

Thank you for loving me enough to tell me the truth and point out my own ugliness, but not just point it out heal it. To not be afraid to actually fearlessly refuse to leave until you touch it! No matter what say or do, that underneath it all you never left. No matter how I reacted. I love that about you Abba, Jesus, Holy Spirit. My wounds are never too ugly for you, you don't even blink. You comfort me and take me to the most beautiful place of love while you perform the most gruesome surgery and healing. You make my healing beautiful my great physician, I can take off my amor and stand bare before you, and show you ALL my wounds. Even the ones I do not understand you always explain them all.

You are my answer Lord.

I cannot say I even regret anything without undermining your sovereignty. You see it all know it all, and have been here the whole time. Nothing has happened to me that you have not seen or ordained, and as much as my carnal mind may not understand it. I cannot come to regret anything, even the pain I have caused myself. For if it was not for my pain I would not be the person I am right now in this moment. If I did not have the enemies I have had, if I had not been through each situation I would not be me. You have faithfully taught great things about you and me. I thank you for making me a warrior and a woman whose heart belongs to you. You are the keeper of my heart.

I write to worship because this is what we all are made for

~A woman whose sins have been washed away by the blood of Jesus